miss my home

i miss my home so much actually... whenever i visit my family i dun wish to go bck...i really miss my home alot... miss everyone and everything.. i even miss taking a walk down to the wet market or shops..i just really missed the feeling of being at home... only HE knows how i feel...i really can't wait to be bck home as soon as possible... i missed the surrounding so much that it makes my heart feel so hard to go bck...i still do have another few more mths to go bck home... ohhh i really can't wait for it....

end of the day for me.. last flight royal brunei amd now am heading towars t1 to clock out..
time for me to go home.. hardly for me to go bck as early as 9pm.. anyway for today i will be taking a bus home..
i dun want him to fetch me as i know he is still not happy.. i dun mind.. theres always a public transport... i kinda feel angry.. helpless.. lonely when times come like this...sometimes when i feel this way it makes me think more and somehow i kinda feel down and angry.
i am totally speechless abt everything... abt all the things he said to me.. it makes me feel unwanted and sad.. he keeps repeating it over and over again... i just wish i dun exist in his life... he makes me feel useless and can't be trusted.. i feel very small.. sigh!!
well i guess i live to make him feeling like a fool and fooled him.. thats what he said to me.. i dun care anymore.. sometimes i just feels like living in the world of my own..

why must it alwayd be me all the time... why.. sigh
i am so sick and tired with all thia crap.. i know its my fault
but to hear abt it again and again really get me on my nerves
u dun care abt the 2k payment abt the house.. fine! u dun trust me anymore..
u really dun have the trust in me.. u r getting sick of it.. yes put
all the blame to me.. put everything.. u r the one who is always right in anything..
i am the one who is always the black sheep.. i know u have totally lost trust in me..
i knew it.. i think it is true.. i shouldn't have love u more than myself..
its my mistake that i love u more than myself.. i am stupid to have care for u
and sacrifice myself alot to u... i put u first before me and my family.. i am so stupid..
i am the one who is being foolish and looks like a fool.. i listens to everything u said...
yeah i know u have been telling me u r treated like a fool by me... u keep saying
u dun want to get married to me.. u keep repeating the sentence... this is the 4 th time..
i dunno... if ur wish is true... i am prepared... thnks for everything u have given me... thnks alot.

emotional

feeling down lately.. especially this whole mth of may...not a good mth for me i think... been crying alot... sick.... been having bad emotional....relationship wise... yes am facing difficulties.... i was about to being left alone by my partner... coz he says that i am too hot tempered... so many chances i had been given but still the same.... i dunno... did try my very best to change but still can't be recognized... well too bad.....well as a matter of fact i was called clumsy all the time and he will spit out saying he regret going out with me and getting to know me.... and he regret getting engaged to me and stuffs.... well i was heartbroken when he says that.... didn't expect something like that to come out from him..... i was very shocked... i admit that its my fault for not taking those chances seriously... now when i'm always on my own i would sit down and think bck my mistakes and all of those words that he said to me...i do feel angry but most of the time i would feel lost and unwanted... now...sometimes i feel that the love we used to have is going to perish sooner... i dunno... not like how we're used to be..... i feel like as if i'm a stranger to him all of a sudden... this feeling happens after we had a big quarrel last week..... i do feel very lost and unwanted right now.... i have no one to talk to.... i dunno... i feel so strange....very scary feeling i can say.... can just feel that something going to happen.....i dunno... haizzz

dead tired...

hey.. its been such a long time since i've not update abt my doings in here,,, i've been busy for the past few weeks due to work.. i;ve just started working at the airport last mth.... i have to attend for 3 mths course and to tak a test for me to be able to get a confirmation in the company.... so i have been attending the course for abt a month and its an office hour course.. it is very tiring for me as i have to start classes at 8.30am and i have to wake up at 6AM OR sometimes 5.30am... sigh!!! very tiring.... now both my eyes are very swollen and besides i dun realy rest well enuff or sleep well.... and i am abit stress due to the test... coz i have to pass in order for me to stay in the company which i've said earlier..in all i have to learn 2 airlines system.... wel.... i think i gtg now coz i am feeling very sleepy and i think i wanna spend my weekeneds wisely as i am very very tired and i need to rest more... coz after nxt weekend i won;t be having a good weekend rest as i have to start working on graveyard shift... sigh!!! well what to do i was not born as a silver spoon child and i'm not getting married to a rich man.... but main thing is i love him and he loves me.... and we understand each other character.... so... well i gtg now.. so am signing off frm here... good nite.... bye bye

going against the religion law....(thats my mom)

well am here today to tell u abt my mom again... she thinks that i'm stupid enuff that i dunno what she's doing behind my bck... she's been going to "BOMOH" to summon me to go bck home... FUCK! why the hell she must do that to me?? doesn't she believe in ALLAH??? well.. how i got to know she went to the bomoh is because i had some nightmares and weird stuffs going around me... hello plz... its me.. myself.. i want myself to be out from my own coz i dun feel too good staying in that house... i intend to leave the house to make her think and repent.... but its opposite!!!! for god sake.. why can't she sit and think on why i did this to her??? well.. she lost her 4th chance i shall say... i will never gonna turn my bck again for her ever..she made me lose respect on her..if she really wants me to go bck.. she should come and talk to me nicely.. and i know... if i ever go bck... i will not be treated any good,... she will keep on humiliating me and put more pressure on me....i am no longer stupid or slow like i used to be.... she's the one who's stupid!!! never think of the consequences...sigh... getting more older still think she's young.... can't stand her!! seriously i can't!!!

uncaring mom

hi..to care nd concern towards him...
am here to tell u a story abt myself and my family.... well its kinda hard for me now my relationship with my mom.. its tough.. she disagree with everything i do or say.. and she dun even have the second thoughts for me at all.. why i said this is because she is always on my yiunger sis side and her hubby... my mom dun seems to care abt me or my fiance.... i dun mind at all but what i dun like abt her is that she likes to spread rumours abt me.. all the bad things abt me... saying me this and that.. saying all the non-existance things abt me to people... i dun like that.. and her mouth always say all the filthy words... my sis had brought shame to the whole family... she had a child out of wedlock and now the second one is on the way to this world... out of wedlock too.... sigh.. and my mom can still support her and pity her... she dun wanna scold that damn man who has ruin her daughter's life... but she will put her care and concern more on that bastard... i dun really understand what she's trying to do... she is siding for the bad influence... and for me i'm the only one who she scolds and put a pressure on..now she is selling the house to my sister.. she told my aunt its better off she stay with my sis... well by all means go ahead..i dun mind... but dun feel regret one day and beg on my knees... thats what i dun wanna hear or see... the only person i pity is my dad...my mom is a lazy pig.. never do anything except to lay down on her bed nursing her dizziness.. i mean what the fuck.... my sis is another lazy bimbo.. she's into my mom's footsteps... like mother like daughter... hmmm... for me.. none in my family understands me except for my dad... i really dun care abt my mom or my sis anymore... i will still respect her as a 'MOTHER' not more than that.. but for my dad i have my full respect for him... my sis... there is no respect for her... i dun feel like having such sister like her in my life... she has chosen the dark future for herself...and for my mom she has lots of debts around her waist....and she expect me to pay up the gold chain which belongs to her fren... that gold chain she had put up in the pawn shop coz she is in need of money.... she was the one who borrowed that damn chain and she expect me to pay it up... what the fuck is my mom trying to do... i can live better off without her.... she's trying to make me paying all her debts for her.. no way!! am not gonna do that... i have my own responsibilities and things to do.. am not gonna pay her debts for her... who the hell she thinks i am... her ATM!?!?!?!? FUCK!! and she insist of me getting married quickly so that she can take all the dowry money... FUCK!! it is as though she is selling me away... she dun wanna see her only daughter having a perfect wedding unlike her sacred younger daughter... whom she adore so much... my sister is ugly during her wedding... my mom is a MONEY FACE person... when she has money she will forget everything.... never want to perform her duties as a muslim and always say unappropriate things... she is getting old not younger anymore..... she is unshamed of her in-laws to be and she thinks that she is prettier than me.. she always say abt my weight and body...she always think that she is beautiful but the fact her mouth stinks!!!! and she had a tooth decay on her front tooth!!! YUCKS!!! thats all becoz she say bad things abt people....her mouth never stays fresh breath... its always bad breath.... and during my wedding i want my aunt to take care of everything and i dun want my mom to do it.... coz i dun trust her...well to tell the truth i dun like or trust my mom even though she's my own flesh and blood... its very hard to trust any of my family members except for my dad...hmmm we will see what will come next and i know this thing will never end coz all the problem comes frm my idotic sister and her bastard husband!!!!!!